hardback 1996, Tor

I've been augmenting my natural cynicism lately by reading the collected works of Dorothy Parker, and I'm afraid I'm ready now to take it all out on Sasha Miller's new book, Ladylord.

As experienced readers know, blurbs by writers you like on the cover of a new book don't mean that the book inside the covers is going to be worth your while, and for me that was definitely the case with this one. I've read too many cover blurbs and too many of those creatively edited quotes that acccompany movie advertisements, so I know by now that when the word "exotic" is used in them, it's shorthand for "a story set in Asia or the Middle East, places we Westerners consider barbaric," and when the words "sensual" or "erotic" are used, they mean "scenes of rape in which the woman is shown to be enjoying it." You get both with Ladylord.

Though there are no new stories under the sun, this particular one has been told better. Javere, the daughter of Third Lord Qai, is named his heir on his death because he has no sons. She must prove her worthiness for the title in the eyes of First Lord Yassai, who sends her on what he hopes will be a suicide mission, to obtain for him a rare dragon egg. Why Javere is required to suck up to First Lord is never explained; everyone does it, and that's that. If I'd been her I would have ridden off home and dared First Lord to come kick my butt if he didn't like it, but then there wouldn't have been a story, now would there?

To solidify her power, Javere marries one of her lords, Ivo the Admirable Archer. Unfortunately for the luckless Ivo, Javere can't consummate their marriage until she has established her right to lordship, because of some prophecy that says the heir must be a virgin until being named Third Lord. It's a peculiar sort of prophecy, because it doesn't predict anything that I could figure out, and it doesn't say what will happen if this condition isn't met. But on we go.

Javere quests for the dragon egg with the aid of a small band of warriors, two mages, and a guide, one of whom is, of course, a traitor. While she's gone, her sister and the nephew of the First Lord scheme to take over her throne. Yawn. We couldn't have seen that coming from a mile away. We hear about the sexual practices of Javere's sister Nao-Pei in such detail that it becomes rather tedious. (You do learn a lot of nifty euphemisms for sexual organs, however. Try incorporating them into everyday conversation.)

Anyway, for what was supposed to be such a difficult quest, Javere accomplishes it without too much difficulty, on the way gaining the friendship of some desert nomads who are unable to refer to themselves in the first person. How she becomes friends with them I can't tell you. I'm not trying to hold back -- I just can't tell you. They just decide they like her. Really. In fact, they like her so much, they assemble their warriors and volunteer to fight for her against First Lord, mounted on their big ostriches. It's almost as silly as I make it out to be.

From this point on, however, everyone likes Javere. Usually in these reviews I don't give away the end of the story, but in this case I'll make an exception, because the ending was the worst thing about this book. Stop reading here, lest you encounter spoilers.

The ending falls neatly into place, with no messy complications or political intrigues to get in the way. Javere wins, the other Lords back her, First Lord is humiliated, First Lord's all-powerful magician (who has done next to nothing during the entire story) is zapped in less than a millisecond by Javere's over-the-hill, decrepit, washed-up excuse for a mage, and everyone shouts "hurray!" If you'll excuse me, I think I'll take Dorothy Parker's advice and throw this book against a wall with great force.

Review by Sara Lipowitz
Reviewed June 27, 1996

ISBN 0-312-86050-1

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